Saturday Song Day

This song starting playing from my phone yesterday. My phone has a magical mix of diverse music that my husband created just for me. I couldn't help but start singing and swaying/dancing along. I end up doing that quite a bit.

So, say hello to the 80's again.

Below is an interesting, somewhat strange, and intriguing music video for "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper. The song I have is actually a cover by Phil Collins.

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
True colors are beautiful, 

Like a rainbow.

You said it, Cyndi! Our true colors ARE beautiful!

Music. Music is My Life

Music 

a poem by Louise A. Peppe

Music is my heart -

beating on a cold, dreary, January day.

Music is my heart, 

like a drum, almost skipping beats, 

becoming a series of

"beeeep. bop. beeep. bop. beeep. bop"s.

Music;

It will fly away, like a hummingbird,

happily making its way home 

under the hot July sun.

Music is my heart, 

Pounding.

Pitter-pattering.

Pitter-pattering.

Slowing down.

Becoming an even, everlasting beat.

That will always speed up, and slow down, and speed up again.

Music, like my heart -

It will 

Never

Stop

Beating. 

My life would be nothing like it is now without the addition music. I grew up with music. It has molded me, shaped me, roughened my edges, smoothed bumpy roads, slapped me, congratulated me, hugged me, knocked me down, and picked me back up.

Music is intertwined with my heart, my soul, and my spirit.

It is my life. Singing, dancing, and skip-hopping along. Every Single Day.

So... Today I'll share some of this music.
Music that has touched me, shot directly into my core.

In the words of Brian Adams, these two songs... they come:

Straight from the heart.

Below is a live performance of Racing Like a Pro by The National.
Favorite lyrics from this song are the chorus, starting with:

Your mind is racing like a pro, now

Oh my God, it doesn't mean a lot to you

and this simple, yet revealing, verse:

Sometimes you get up and bake a cake or something

Sometimes you stay in bed

But to keep things upbeat and end on a positive note, I'll leave you with another favorite song.
Below is the official music video for Stay Positive by The Hold Steady.

To sum it up:

Whoa ho ah, whoa ho, ah, whoa ho ah, We've gotta stay positive.

Recharging.....

So, I woke up this morning and my super-fantastic smart phone was dead. Very, very dead.
Not 13%, not 7%, not 3%. 0 percent.

I can't help but think of my phone's dead battery as a unique metaphor for the deep-rooted tiredness that is currently traveling through my body, through my "electric" circuitry.

It amazes me, nearly every day, how the human body can persist under severe mental and physical stress, how almost every human being has the ability to wake up, to rise from nothing, and become something. Something BIG. Something that can change the world.

Somehow, the universe, God, or whatever one chooses to believe in, it whispers quietly, yet urgently: RUN. CHARGE. Get up out of the gutter. Return to 100%. NOW.

DON'T WAIT ANOTHER SECOND

Because waiting.... waiting can equal death. D-E-A-T-H.
Death of the body, death of the mind. Or, heaven/universe forbidding, both.

Take, for example, the runners, helpless victims, and numerous heros of the 2013 Boston Marathon. These determined human beings not only persisted, but became ever stronger after the tragic bombing on April 15th.

Or think of those countless times when you haven't allowed yourself adequate time to recharge and make up a long-standing sleep debt. Sleep debts are dangerous.

I know, with a heavy heart, that my sleep debt is enormous.

But, as my husband Brad likes to say, "It's like eating an elephant." You just gotta take it bite by bite, and eventually, whatever your elephant may be, it will one day disappear. You won't even realize it. Suddenly, it will just be gone. Vanished. One day, with the help of a friend, with the help of whatever God or flower or tree or sky that you pray to, your elephant will vanish. It will vanish, and it will be gone. Not just for now, not just for a few days, or a week, or a year. Your elephant will dissolve, and it will break up into a million little pieces that are brushed away, brushed aside, swept up, and swept away.

For good. And YOU. Yes, YOU were the one that made it happen. Not your friend. Not your God.

YOU.
----------------

So, each night I go to sleep feeling as though I could sleep for a week. I "plug myself in". I recharge. But, alas, it won't be enough. I must wake up and do my job. I must wake up and live my life. And I love it. I LOVE MY STRUGGLE because I OWN MY STRUGGLE. ME, and no one else.
"Every day I'm shuffling"

"Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO

Kudos to the ladies in the "Shake That" video (link above) for shakin' it! Nice to see some women gettin' down with it for a change! Remember, ladies, if a man does something (breakdancing, for example), SO CAN YOU! And, you can absolutely ROCK at that thing.

Talk to ya later. I'm off to do my job. To bring in some smackaroos. To make the big bucks.
I'll be out there. Shuffling. You better believe I'll be shaking.
Oh yeah, I'll shake that.

ciao, adios. (for now).

Return to Normalcy

I feel it coming.

I feel the change.

I'm returning to my normal. Myself, my being.

My "normal" is a good place to be. And I'd like to stay there - forever.

What is normal, anyway?

Normal, for me, means being balanced. Not manic, not depressed. A bit hypomanic, possibly... but in a safe place - somewhere between the darkness and the blinding white light.

That's where normal lies.

Can you reach it? I know I can. I can stay balanced. I can win this fight. 

And, here I am.

me!

This was taking during our honeymoon. Fun times!

Life's Not Fair!!!!

My favorite expression when I was younger ... all thanks to my wonderful father.

Still a favorite expression of mine.

Sooooo... they've tinkered with my meds. So, something is different. So, I'm not sleeping again! Yippee, isn't that fantastic?

Oh yeah, fantastic like Mr. Fantastic Fox. Just fantastic I say. GRRR. I know it's all for the best. But in the meantime, I say F it. Just F it. Ya know?

I depend on my psychiatrist more than I should. I trust that he'll make everything perfect. But perfect doesn't exist, so I shouldn't expect perfect. NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.

So, LIFE'S NOT FAIR, and there is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.

The End.

Vulnerability

I'm feeling vulnerable right now.

Super-duper vulnerable.

I've put myself out there and I wait. I wait for someone new to recognize me. Tell me that's it's OK what I'm doing. That I deserve to tell my truth.

Tell your truth. Tell it to me. Tell it to someone. Someone wants to hear it.

Be vulnerable. Be you. Just do it. Right now. Comment. Please. For me. For you. For everyone.

It's the right thing.

So, who am I? For real.

This Is My Brave

Inspiring me to reveal who I am.

Louise Ann Peppe.

that is all.

I'll leave you with some poetry:

Kaleidoscope Eyes
Sleeping? No.
Sleep could be beautiful.
More beautiful than....
Than cures for cancer
Cures for killings
Cures for what ails
You.
Me.
Us.
Them.
We all need, deserve,
A good night's sleep.

Everything on this site is copyright Louise Peppe. So cite me if you use me. Thanks!

A Total Eclipse (of the Heart)

Recently I realized how DEEPLY in love I am with my husband.  One day it just dawned on me. The man I live with cares about me to the end of the earth... the end of the multiverse. And I reciprocate those feelings. We belong together. I know this now more than ever.

Last night, we woke in the middle of the night (for us) to watch the eclipse. I'm still partially a zombie from the one day that I got 0 sleep recently... so I got up, glanced at the moon a couple of times, and went back to bed. My husband stayed up and got pictures for us. I hope to post them later today.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading :)

Little Voice by Sara Bareilles
this song is slow and kinda long, but beautiful nonetheless.

I'm baaack!!! An update.

Alternate title: I Went Crazy When I Decided I Wanted to Have a Baby

In December, upon consulting with my psychiatrist regarding wanting to get pregnant, we decided that I should go off my medication and see if I could live my life without it... I guess we were testing the waters. The reason I wanted to go off the medication is because the medication I was on is known to cause harm to a human fetus during the first trimester. Due to a number of factors including insufficient sleep, spring arriving, and stress from my job, I became hypomanic.

Cue the upbeat music with a lovely catchy tempo! Aha, yeah! Cue the maniacal little drummer boy. Yippee!

But wait, crap... what comes next?  That's right, mania! Well, maybe.

(Oh shit... been there, done that... didn't and still don't want to do it again)

Hypomania does not have to be a big deal - I can function efficiently while hypomanic. As does (I'm well aware) my father.  Apparently "normal" people running on little sleep can become hypomanic and can function efficiently.  I was told by my psychiatrist that this (the "useful" hypomania) happens to doctors; there can be times when doctors hardly sleep due to their work schedules (here I think of the ER and "on-call" docs).  How do you think these "normal" people deal with hypomania?  And are they really "normal"?  I bet "useful" hypomania also happens to new Moms and Dads around the world - but who am I to guess at that? (Side note: obviously, I am not a doctor or a Mom.) But I digress.

But, no no, I'm not "normal", am I? Of course not! I'm an individual with the magic curse: Bipolar Disorder! I've got a mental illness, so they say ;)

Please note that I place the word normal in quotes for a reason.  Is there really such a thing as normal???? (I think not.)

Eventually my hypomania lead to a "manic break"... or at least I think it probably was, or was thisclose to being one.  For those of you that do not know, mania is more severe than hypomania, and it can be dangerous.  A person that is manic cannot properly take care of themselves without assistance (readers - if there are any of you out there - please correct me if you think I'm wrong in that statement). My period of mania was very short because of my husband. He knew that something was wrong and he took action.  My husband is my rock - always there when I need to lean on him. My parents helped out, too... It seemed like my entire family was, in a way, in on the action (fun times for them, yes? NO, more like SCARY times for them).

So, to make a long story short, I'm now on medication again. It's a different medication than the ones I've been on in the past, but it seems to be working... for the most part. (except for the fact that I didn't sleep a wink last night - cue the OH SHIT). And, thankfully, the doctors that I have spoken with all agree that the medication I am currently taking is one of the safest medications to be on during early pregnancy. And no, I'm not pregnant; I'm just taking necessary precautions.

Being self-aware is fun, yes???????And P.S. Sorry I was hiding under a rock for approximately FOREVER (exaggeration, kind of). OOPS. The rock/very large pebble just wouldn't budge, if ya know what I mean ;)

I wish I could be as courageous and BRAVE as the mom from Bipolar Mom Life
By that, I mean, I wish I could put my face on this blog.... maybe one day?!