there is hope! why I started this blog + a bit of history

Although the main purpose of this blog is to document my life before and during pregnancy, my blog has other purposes, too.  In the simplest terms, this blog is really just a public (anonymous) journal.  During adolescence and into my teens years, I kept multiple journals (which I methodically sought out and destroyed when I was older).  I always liked to write, whether it be journalling, writing short stories, or writing poetry.  Writing is therapeutic and therapeutic things are good; therefore, I shall write!

Another purpose of this blog is to show those people suffering from mood disorders that it is entirely possible to lead a happy, successful, and fulfilling life while living with and managing a mental illness.  (I am!)  My hope is that my blog will somehow reach individuals who are currently struggling and looking for hope.  Many websites and blogs aimed at the bipolar community contain heartbreaking and hopeless comments.  It made me really sad to think that there are individuals out there looking for hope and not finding any.  So, to those of you looking for hope:  A bipolar diagnosis is not equivalent to a life sentence of being "crazy" or "insane".  Having bipolar disorder does not necessarily mean that you will always be consumed either by devastating depression or euphoric, overwhelming mania.  I know there are individuals out there that struggle throughout their lives and never find balance.  But that does not have to be the case for you, and it is certainly not the case for me.

I take 2 (monstrous) pills every night before I go to sleep.  I hate that I am dependent upon a drug, but I am.  If I have to take a couple of pills every night in order to maintain a healthy life, I'll do it.  My medication is right up there in the oxygen/food/water category.  It's just a necessary part of my life.  I have been taking medication religiously for over 10 years.  I'm 29 now.  I've had one severe manic episode that landed me in the hospital for a week.  I entered the hospital as a new high school graduate who had lost her grip on reality.  I left the hospital with a label - Bipolar Disorder I.  I've never been hospitalized again.  Since my diagnosis, I've had a few episodes of hypomania and periods of mild depression, but nothing that interfered with my life.  My last hypomanic episode was about 5 years ago.  So, I feel like I'm doing pretty well.  I'm a work in progress, but I consider myself a success story.  I found out early in my life that I'd have to learn to live with a mental illness, and I've done just that - I've learned how to live with it.

I guess I consider myself one of the lucky ones.  But I still understand the pain and suffering.  I have been on the swinging pendulum.  I have the scars, both physical and emotional, to show for it.  But today, I'm doing just fine.

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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

~ Laozi