Optimism (or: I'm terrible. Thanks for asking!)

Q: How are you?
A: I'm terrible. Thanks for asking!

But, even though that is my honest answer to the question that EVERYONE always asks you, I am trying to be optimistic, even though my current situation is much less than ideal.

So, this is how I'm currently living......

Take one day at a time.
Smile.
Stop to "smell the flowers"
Take pictures.
Admire natural beauty.
Love.
Laugh.
Learn.
Live each day as if it could be your last.
Love each other.
Forgive more.
Be less angry.
Believe in a higher power.
Be you.
Believe in yourself.
Forget the labels.
Leave doors open.
Let others think what they think, and MOVE ON.

Also, FORGET PERFECTION.
(I am writing this mostly to MYSELF)
Life is just one big dress rehearsal.
The draft version is ok.
Striving for perfection leads to procrastination.
So, as a specific big name brand company likes to say, "Just do it!"


oh, and LISTEN TO YOUR AUNTIE!!! xoxoxo
Auntie: my new laptop is fantastic (wink wink)

Good Enough

Have you ever felt
Like
You're not good enough
Like
Your best is not enough

Have you ever felt
Lost at Sea
In the Ocean of Life?

Have you ever felt happy
But Oh, so sad....

When will you be good enough
For more than just yourself?

The Funeral by Band of Horses

Current Mood.....

I'm Only Human

Broken
Beaten
Strung out
On dreams
Interrupted

Who am I?
Who are you?
Can we make it through the dark?
The dark creeps in
The light snuffs out
And suddenly
You stop

You have a switch
It's on or off
No in between for you
I have no switch....

I'm only human.

Currently Listening to: The National

I Need My Girl

by The National

I can totally see this song from a significant other's perspective.....

Cry Baby Cry by The National

Cry Baby Cry
by The National

LYRICS:

Leave your home

Change your name

Live alone

Eat your cake

Vanderlyle, crybaby, cry

Though the waters are risin'

Still no surprisin' you

Vanderlyle, crybaby, cry

Man its all been forgiven

Swans are a swimmin'

I'll explain everything to the geeks 

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

Vanderlyle, crybaby, cry

Though the waters are risin'

Still no surprisin' you

Vanderlyle, crybaby, cry

Man its all been forgiven

Swans are a swimmin'

I'll explain everything to the geeks

Hangin' from chandeliers 

Same small world

At your heels

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

All the very best of us

String ourselves up for love

............

Prayer & Praying (Kesha) *Trigger Warning*

I don't pray, but I pray everyday to the powers that be in my Head. 

🙏  🙏  🙏  🙏

😂 😂 😂

TRIGGER WARNING

You brought the flames and you put me through hell.

I'll just say this as I wish you Farewell

I'm proud of who I am.

No more monsters I can breathe again

And you said that I was done

Well, you were wrong,

 And now the best is yet to come

........

COMPLETE LYRICS:

Well, you almost had me fooled

Told me that I was nothing without you

Oh, but after everything you've done

I can thank you for how strong I have become

'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell

I had to learn how to fight for myself

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying

I hope your soul is changing, changing

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, praying

I'm proud of who I am

No more monsters, I can breathe again

And you said that I was done

Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come

'Cause I can make it on my own

And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known

I've been thrown out, I've been burned

When I'm finished, they won't even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell

I had to learn how to fight for myself

And we both know all the truth I could tell

I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying

I hope your soul is changing, changing

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, praying

Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night

Someday, maybe you'll see the light

Oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give

But some things, only God can forgive

I hope you're somewhere praying, praying

I hope your soul is changing, changing

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, praying

Hang up the Phone by Lipa Schmeltzer

The description on YouTube:

(Direct Quote)

In a futuristic take on his hit song Hang Up The Phone from his blockbuster album Leap of Faith, superstar Lipa Schmeltzer teams up with producer and director Danny Finkelman to tackle our generation's ever growing infatuation with gadgets head on, in a music video that is equal parts science fiction and practical advice for today's technologically obsessed society. In an almost other worldly dream, Lipa becomes one of a group of newly delivered high tech robots that come to life after hours at the Boro Park branch of the The Buzz, an appliance and housewares superstore.  The robots' fascination with electronics is evident as they test out gadgets, both large and small, and dance their way through the store. Hang Up The Phone is an original Lipa composition and the sixth track on the newly released Leap of Faith album, with hard hitting lyrics in both English and Yiddish, written by Lipa. At just over six minutes long, the video offers a light hearted look at what we become when we spend more time interacting with our electronics than with our families and the people around us. A SparksNext Production, Finkelman and cinematographer Mauricio Arenas breathe life into Hang Up The Phone, creating a presentation that will inspire viewers to strike the necessary balance, enabling them to take advantage of today's technology in a responsible manner.

Produced by Danny Finkelman Directed by Danny Finkelman and Mauricio Arenas Director of photography Mauricio Arenas Edited by Michael Puro Sean Sinderbrand Choreography Zvika Bornstein Music production Nir Graf and Baba Z. Buerger Studio Naftali Moshe Schnitzler

Alex Weissman

Special effects: Filmdust studio - Avrohom N. Kohn, Tzvi Waldman Simcha Squad Dancers: Menachem Stein Avi Warman Nathan Bell Mayer Singer Isaac Mizrachi Zevy Goldenberg

Tony Voisin Set Photographer

Child actors / dancers: Dovid Moskovits Yechiel Jacobs Chezky Moskovits Simon Luethi - AD Lukas Bruchnik - Camera Operator Tzvi Waldman - PA Edimy Michel - PA Eric Bejarano - Assistant Camera Yosuke Hosoi - Gaffer Gautam Kadian - Gaffer

Check out the latest projects on www.sparksnext.com

Kelley Coleman - Make Up Artist Shaun Gibson - Makeup Assistant: Nicholas Behncke - Boom Operator Alejandra Oyarce - Art Direction Sandy Eller - Press release Shea Kiss - Extra Last scene was shot at Spoons Thanks to the Buzz Superstor for it's location

Standard YouTube License

Tuesday Tunes

TRIGGER WARNING

1-800-273-8255 

[Pre-Chorus: Logic]

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

(Who can relate? Woo!)

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

[Chorus: Logic]

I don't wanna be alive

I don't wanna be alive

I just wanna die today

I just wanna die

I don't wanna be alive

I don't wanna be alive

I just wanna die

And let me tell you why

[Verse 1: Logic]

All this other shit I'm talkin' 'bout they think they know it

I've been praying for somebody to save me, no one's heroic

And my life don't even matter, I know it, I know it

I know I'm hurting deep down but can't show it

I never had a place to call my own

I never had a home, ain't nobody callin' my phone

Where you been? Where you at? What's on your mind?

They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

[Pre-Chorus: Logic]

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

(Who can relate? Woo!)

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

[Chorus: Logic]

I want you to be alive

I want you to be alive

You don't gotta die today

You don't gotta die

I want you to be alive

I want you to be alive

You don't gotta die

Now lemme tell you why

[Verse 2: Alessia Cara]

It's the very first breath

When your head's been drowning underwater

And it's the lightness in the air

When you're there

Chest to chest with a lover

It's holding on, though the road's long

And seeing light in the darkest things

And when you stare at your reflection

Finally knowing who it is

I know that you'll thank God you did

[Verse 3: Logic]

I know where you been, where you are, where you goin'

I know you're the reason I believe in life

What's the day without a little night?

I'm just tryna shed a little light

It can be hard

It can be so hard

But you gotta live right now

You got everything to give right now

[Pre-Chorus: Logic]

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

(Who can relate? Woo!)

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

[Chorus: Logic]

I finally wanna be alive

I finally wanna be alive

I don't wanna die today

I don't wanna die

I finally wanna be alive

I finally wanna be alive

I don't wanna die

I don't wanna die

[Outro: Khalid]

Pain don't hurt the same, I know

But I'm moving 'til my legs give out

And I see my tears melt in the snow

But I don't wanna cry

I don't wanna cry anymore

I wanna feel alive

I don't even wanna die anymore

Oh I don't wanna

I don't wanna

I don't even wanna die anymore

The lane I travel feels alone

Reawakening

Reawakening

Feels like

Nothing I have known

and Everything I have wanted

Join me

Begin anew

Grab your job

Grab you bucket list

We will

Conquer

The world

Self-acceptance, Always (and a Mary Lambert Song)

This could be a Saturday Song Day post (on a Monday), but I feel it is so much more.

Last year, I heard one of Mary Lambert's songs on the radio, and I really liked it. I was reminded of that song while reading Being Known as Bipolar Mom, a post from 2014 over at bipolarmom.com. Then I got to thinking... Mary Lambert mentions that she's "got bipolar disorder" in the song, but was that the truth? I did some investigating (thanks Wikipedia), and, yep, it is true. I discovered her website, and that brought me to watch the video below. Powerful stuff.

Body Love (Part 1 & 2) by Mary Lambert

This video touched me in more ways than one, and the lyrics are powerful. The title of the song may be "Body Love", but the song addresses so much more than self-image relating to one's body. It addresses self-acceptance of one's body, and so much more....

.... I only know how to exist when I am wanted

We're used up, and we're sad, and drunk and

Perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up

And tell us that we did good

We did good.

One of the things I always try to remember is the idea that I am good enough. This is something that I've struggled with in the past, but nowadays it usually comes naturally to me. It is some kind of self-affirmation.
I am good enough, and my happiness is important.

But, oftentimes, life decides to challenge my self-acceptance, and, I find myself once again pondering --
Am I good enough? 

When my son was born, I had a mental health crisis. I still don't really know what to call it. It was mania combined with some sort of postpartum mood disorder. The label doesn't really matter.  What does matter is that, when the skies had cleared, and I was finally more like "myself" again, I found myself feeling ashamed, embarrassed, upset, angry, and full of regret. I found myself again questioning, wondering --
What do people think of me? and Am I good enough the way I am, no matter what?

The thing is, I have come to (for the most part) accept the everyday, "normal" Louise. The Louise that has a handle on her mental illness. The Louise that has some mild mood swings, but is basically stable and mentally healthy.

But, the "sick" Louise? What of her? What happens when I get knocked down by something? What happens when there is some sort of trigger and I turn from the everyday me into the not-really-me me? I always rebound from these episodes. Always. And I feel that I always will. But the problem lies not in the episode itself but the aftermath. Because once I've recovered, I shouldn't have that seed of negativity planted inside me. I should, instead, have a seed of positivity. I should be full of hope.

In Mary Lambert's words:

You are a goddamned tree stump with leaves sprouting out.

Reborn.

Saturday Song Day 5/17/15

This post is a little late, but you know what they say - better late than never.
I'm often late with things. Such is my life.

Go Back by Dan Peppe
Performed below by Dan and Luca Peppe

Video below is not the best quality video, but I'm pretty sure it's the only one there is.

Some of my favorite lyrics are:

Go to a place where you still know who you are

A place to recover from your wounds and scars

Is there a difference between today and yesterday

Does time move along or just fade away?

Happy Me vs Sad Me

Happy me and sad me are battling again...

The dark fingers are creeping in on the canvas of white.

But, today?
Today - I fight.

I don't want to be that sad me.
I don't want to gradually dig myself into a hole and fade away into the darkness.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life yo-yoing between hiding underneath the covers and coming up for air. I don't want to sleep my life away.

I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

If I want to be happy, I'll be happy.

I'll fight the dark. I'll fight the sad. I'll fight those thoughts that dare to consume my being with a sullenness that I can't shake, with an emptiness that I don't even realize is there.

I'll seek the sun.
I'll seek the smiles.
I'll seek the joy.

I need it. I crave it. It is my fuel. It is my fire.
It is me.

Saturday Song Day 4/25/15

When We Were Young by Brett Dennen

Here's to feeling young forever!

"I'm happy and I'm settled..."

Photosynthesis by Frank Turner

Right now I'm living my days with music as a soundtrack to all the stuff I've got to do.
Today I've been playing a lot of The Avett Brothers Pandora Station. When this song came on, I was really digging it. I looked up the lyrics, and found this gem:

"And I'm happy and I'm settled

In the person I've become"

Saturday Song Day 4/18/05

The first one goes out to my husband: First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes

And another: Just Breathe by Pearl Jam (youtube video live at Austin City Limits)

Just Breathe 

by Pearl Jam

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands

the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,

yeah, others, they got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..

Let's just breathe.

Practiced all my sins,

never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..

Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..

Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world

to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..

You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean.

I wonder everyday

as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..

Everything you gave

And nothing you would save, aw huh,..

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..

No one knows this more than me.

And I come clean, ah-ah...

Nothing you would take,..

Everything you gave.

Hold me till I die,..

Meet you on the other side.

Songwriters: Bentley, Stephanie Kay / Lamar, Mary Holladay / Lawrence, Derek.

Published by Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Saturday Song Day 4/11/15

Today's Saturday Song Day choice:
Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

Link to youtube audio with lyrics (unofficial video): Comes and Goes (In Waves)

Comes and Goes (In Waves)

by Greg Laswell

This one's for the lonely, the ones that seek and find

Only to be let down time after time

This one's for the torn down, the experts at the fall

Come on friends get up now you're not alone at all

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

And this part was for her

And this part was for her

This part was for her

Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves

This one's for the faithless, the ones that are surprised

They're only where they are now regardless of their fight

This one's for believing if only for its sake

Come on friends get up now love is to be made

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

And this part was for her

And this part was for her

This part was for her

Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

It comes in goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

Why I, why I try

This is for the ones who stand

For the ones who try again

For the ones who need a hand

For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

It comes and goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

Why I, why, why I fly

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Accept It and Move On

Accept it and move on is a good motto to live by under certain circumstances...


Why?

I lost a week of my life, but more importantly, I lost a week of my baby's life.

I will never get that week back.

I was there, at home with my baby, and then, I was not.

Life continued in one way or another...

And life continues still.

This I know for sure.

I've accepted it. I've moved on.

And, probably partly because of that, I allowed myself to be happy.

So, I became happy.


Read between the lines as much as you want...


But, what matters is this:

I'm happy and I accept who I am.

I hope you will, too.

Saturday Song Day 03/28/15

Today's Saturday Song Day choice:
Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise by The Avett Brothers.
Love them, their music, their lyrics....

Link to youtube audio & video: Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise
This song and the lyrics really speak to me and how I've been feeling lately.

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise 
by The Avett Brothers

In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

And it comes in black and it comes in white

And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected

And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light

And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right

And it flies by day and it flies by night

And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lyrics from Google Play: link to google play

Today will be better, I swear!

A song to start off the day: Today Will Be Better, I Swear! by Stars
(click on song title for link to audio on youtube)

Today will be better, I Swear. Easier said than done, right?

Right now my life is one string of cliches all jumbled together and jutting up against one another. I know that things WILL be better, eventually... but currently, while in the midst of trying to improve things and get back to "normalcy", I have discovered one simple fact:

Life is hard.
I already knew that.. but, recently I've discovered just how hard life can be.

When things are bad, I try my best to focus on the positive. I try my best to focus on the day ahead of me instead of the day behind me. I try, and I try, and I try. But sometimes I feel like trying isn't good enough. Sometimes I try and try and try... and I never seem to succeed. I just get bogged down in the nitty gritty, in the details that don't matter... I simply get bogged down by something. It is frustrating, oftentimes saddening, and extraordinarily difficult.

It is emotionally draining to trudge through life when it is difficult. And that is why, I believe, all of us need some sort of outlet or coping mechanism to utilize when our feelings are just too much to bear. We all need some sort of escape. I escape from everyday life through anything relaxing and through a number of artistic or creative endeavors (food, music, exercise, being outside, painting, etc..). I enjoy these things even if I believe that I'm not particularly good at them :)

And, in order to be happy and not just trudge through life everyday, my personality dictates some other basic needs that I have. If these needs aren't met, I feel lost, frustrated, and confined... I basically feel like I am not myself. To me, these needs are a big deal. They are important, and they actually include some of the coping mechanisms I just mentioned.

My Needs (i.e. How to Keep Louise Happy, a list in progress)

• I need space, breathing room, and independence.
• I need to have the ability to absorb and digest information.
• I need to eat properly, sleep a reasonable amount of time, and exercise regularly.

Recently, I have found it difficult to satisfy all of my basic needs. I love my baby with all my heart, but he altered the course of my life (as I knew he would). Some of the detours and route changes that he created were good, but, at times, I found myself headed in the wrong direction. Starting with the delivery of our precious little man and ending with a brief psychiatric hospitalization, there were numerous complications and obstacles that we had to overcome.... and life got hard. Really hard.

So, here I am.

Life is different now, and it will never be the same. I just have to remember to put myself first. I need to remember my needs. I can compromise on some of them, but, I know now that if I compromise on too many of my basic needs for too long, I (and everyone around me) will just end up unhappy, frustrated, angry, sad, etc...

So, it doesn't matter what transpired yesterday. I'm just going to focus on the present and the future. Exploring the past is something better left to psychologists or therapists and the like. Eventually, I'll need to take all of the skeletons out of my closet and relive the past. But, for now, I'm going to try my best to be optimistic and not get caught up in the ugly nitty gritty of daily life. I'm just going to remember that today will be better.

I swear.