Monday, May 25, 2015

Self-acceptance, Always (and a Mary Lambert Song)

This could be a Saturday Song Day post (on a Monday), but I feel it is so much more.

Last year, I heard one of Mary Lambert's songs on the radio, and I really liked it. I was reminded of that song while reading Being Known as Bipolar Mom, a post from 2014 over at bipolarmom.com. Then I got to thinking... Mary Lambert mentions that she's "got bipolar disorder" in the song, but was that the truth? I did some investigating (thanks Wikipedia), and, yep, it is true. I discovered her website, and that brought me to watch the video below. Powerful stuff.

Body Love (Part 1 & 2) by Mary Lambert



This video touched me in more ways than one, and the lyrics are powerful. The title of the song may be "Body Love", but the song addresses so much more than self-image relating to one's body. It addresses self-acceptance of one's body, and so much more....

.... I only know how to exist when I am wanted

We're used up, and we're sad, and drunk and
Perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up
And tell us that we did good
We did good.

One of the things I always try to remember is the idea that I am good enough. This is something that I've struggled with in the past, but nowadays it usually comes naturally to me. It is some kind of self-affirmation.
I am good enough, and my happiness is important.

But, oftentimes, life decides to challenge my self-acceptance, and, I find myself once again pondering --
Am I good enough? 

When my son was born, I had a mental health crisis. I still don't really know what to call it. It was mania combined with some sort of postpartum mood disorder. The label doesn't really matter.  What does matter is that, when the skies had cleared, and I was finally more like "myself" again, I found myself feeling ashamed, embarrassed, upset, angry, and full of regret. I found myself again questioning, wondering --
What do people think of me? and Am I good enough the way I am, no matter what?

The thing is, I have come to (for the most part) accept the everyday, "normal" Louise. The Louise that has a handle on her mental illness. The Louise that has some mild mood swings, but is basically stable and mentally healthy.

But, the "sick" Louise? What of her? What happens when I get knocked down by something? What happens when there is some sort of trigger and I turn from the everyday me into the not-really-me me? I always rebound from these episodes. Always. And I feel that I always will. But the problem lies not in the episode itself but the aftermath. Because once I've recovered, I shouldn't have that seed of negativity planted inside me. I should, instead, have a seed of positivity. I should be full of hope.
In Mary Lambert's words:

You are a goddamned tree stump with leaves sprouting out.
Reborn.


Sunday, May 17, 2015

Saturday Song Day 5/17/15

This post is a little late, but you know what they say - better late than never.
I'm often late with things. Such is my life.

Go Back by Dan Peppe
Performed below by Dan and Luca Peppe
Video below is not the best quality video, but I'm pretty sure it's the only one there is.


Some of my favorite lyrics are:

Go to a place where you still know who you are
A place to recover from your wounds and scars

Is there a difference between today and yesterday
Does time move along or just fade away?




Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Happy Me vs Sad Me

Happy me and sad me are battling again...

The dark fingers are creeping in on the canvas of white.

But, today?
Today - I fight.

I don't want to be that sad me.
I don't want to gradually dig myself into a hole and fade away into the darkness.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life yo-yoing between hiding underneath the covers and coming up for air. I don't want to sleep my life away.

I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

If I want to be happy, I'll be happy.

I'll fight the dark. I'll fight the sad. I'll fight those thoughts that dare to consume my being with a sullenness that I can't shake, with an emptiness that I don't even realize is there.

I'll seek the sun.
I'll seek the smiles.
I'll seek the joy.

I need it. I crave it. It is my fuel. It is my fire.
It is me.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Sunday, April 19, 2015

"I'm happy and I'm settled..."

Photosynthesis by Frank Turner



Right now I'm living my days with music as a soundtrack to all the stuff I've got to do.
Today I've been playing a lot of The Avett Brothers Pandora Station. When this song came on, I was really digging it. I looked up the lyrics, and found this gem:

"And I'm happy and I'm settled

In the person I've become"

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Saturday Song Day 4/18/05


The first one goes out to my husband: First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes



And another: Just Breathe by Pearl Jam (youtube video live at Austin City Limits)

Just Breathe 
by Pearl Jam

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.

Practiced all my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..
You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
And I come clean, ah-ah...

Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

Songwriters: Bentley, Stephanie Kay / Lamar, Mary Holladay / Lawrence, Derek.
Published by Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Saturday Song Day 4/11/15

Today's Saturday Song Day choice:
Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

Link to youtube audio with lyrics (unofficial video): Comes and Goes (In Waves)

Comes and Goes (In Waves)
by Greg Laswell

This one's for the lonely, the ones that seek and find
Only to be let down time after time
This one's for the torn down, the experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now you're not alone at all

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves

This one's for the faithless, the ones that are surprised
They're only where they are now regardless of their fight
This one's for believing if only for its sake
Come on friends get up now love is to be made

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes in goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I, why I try

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I, why, why I fly

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh