Monday, May 19, 2014

Thanks, Mom

First and foremost: Mom, I love you. You gave me life. You gave me joy. You gave me everything I have needed in life to survive and thrive.

We've had some difficult times, you and I.
But, we've made it through.

Why?

love
 



Love trumps all.

Love trumps negativity.

Love will squash negativity like an insect reduced to nothing but guts and a dark spot on the pavement.
(not that I am endorsing squashing our little insect friends, lol)

We can try to change. We can try to take those negatives and make them positives....
(and we probably should)
but, we need not worry about these things during every second of every day.

Always, always remember: Remember Love.

I will be here for my mom for as long as I live. And she will be here for me for as long as she lives.

How can one deny the connection that a daughter has with her mother? Or that a son has with his mother? I admire SO much about my mother, but I suppose it should all start with the simple fact that She gave me life. She gave me life and carried me with her for months (months!) until that day, on December 28, when she was ready to let me go and I was ready to say hello to this great big world.

Motherly devotion and investment? Yes.

I am not a mother, but I hope to one day have a similar connection with my own children...
Little tiny humans who will grow to be not so little anymore.
They will grow and grow and grow...
And one day, maybe in an instant, maybe over a few days, maybe over a few weeks, maybe years....
I hope I will have a best friend for life.


:)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Strengths & Weaknesses

What are your strengths?
What are your weaknesses?

These questions can haunt one's life. I suppose they have sometimes haunted mine.

Name five.

Five strengths? Ok.

I'm:
smart, beautiful, funny, caring, sensitive, diligent

Five weaknesses?

No. Not today. That's just not okay. I can't go there.

But why? Why is it so hard to accept our negative qualities? To put them out there? To tell the world our faults?

I think it is because it is painful.
It is hard to tell another person what one lacks.

This is not to say that each one of us is all rainbows and butterflies and made of supertastic lovely characteristics.

I know that I most certainly am not.

But, remember:
no one is perfect. 
Perfect is boring.

You see, this is the way I see it. I prefer to look at the glass half full.
What good is the glass half empty?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why focus on the negative???

Why repeat the pattern of beating yourself up, time and time again, by saying you are not good enough?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are good enough. 

You are worth it. You are special
You are unique. You are brave
You are everything the world wants you to be.
And more..... 


always remember
always and forever.
You are loved.


:)

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I'm Alive. Yes, Alive.

I've heard it before.

Someone utters: "I'll find the time." or "I'll make time."

I've never really thought about these expressions... until recently. Somehow, my life just started taking over my life. That sounds silly - to say that my life started taking over my life. But it's the truth.

It seems like I was just going about living my life, going about my daily tasks, chores, and whatnot... and I suddenly "woke up" and realized that, during the course of one day, I have a whole lot that I want to do. There sure is a mountain of stuff (to use a general, meaningless term) that I feel needs to get done.

So, suddenly, I've realized....

I'm alive.
I'm living.
I love my life.
Every day, I wake up, and I'm excited.
I'm happy.
I can't wait to get my day started.

Who is this person?
Who have I become?

I have become ME. I am who I am.

It's how humans are built. No two people are exactly alike. And no two people should be alike.

A little side note here: Why is it that so many people never outgrow the "copycat" stage of life? There is a stage in life in which one does what another does because they want to be like the other person. But when does that stage of life stop being a stage? What is it that makes a person start copying another because they want to BE that person (not just like him or her)? 

Family members, colleagues, and peers... They can be models that might one day become idols. I am lucky to say that, in my life, I have had so many individuals and groups of people that have been, and still are, stand outs. I look back on my life of 29+ years, and I see numerous individuals that have been stellar idols at one point in time... And I didn't even realize it. At the time, I had no idea how much those people would eventually mean to me. I had no idea they would shape my life and shape who I would one day become.

Now, I strive to BE one of those people.
I endeavor to be the gal that everyone can (almost always) depend on. Someone who can always put a smile on someone else's face. Someone who is always peppy and always smiling.

I want to live up to my name. Peppe.

When I was younger, I had a huge smile that matched my humongous eyes. I looked at the world with wonder. I couldn't get enough of what I saw. I played with frogs, bugs, and butterflies. I chased rainbows and raindrops. I smiled, and I smiled wide.  Today, I can only imagine what I looked like as a little girl... but when I think of myself, I imagine my wide eyes sparkling as I watched everyone and everything around me, waiting patiently for my time in the spotlight. I soaked up everything around me, like a sponge.

I was full to the brim with wonder, joy, and love... and all of this created an everlasting brightness inside of me, in my core, the very essence of my being.

And I became a bright, steady light.


But one day, my light went out. I became sullen, dark, and devoid of the joy that once filled my body, my mind, and my soul. Something had extinguished my flame... but not entirely. The light inside me continued to flicker. On, and off. On, and off.  This happened for weeks. Weeks became months, and months because years.

I was a shadow of my former self.

BUT.

BUT.

I was still there.

I was hiding under a rock. Not just a pebble or a small stone, but a massive boulder. And it would not move. Instead, I had to chip away at it. Day by day, night by night. I started carving away at the giant weight that was holding me back and keeping me down. Bit by bit. Sometimes, I made progress - so much so that I felt as if the rock were gone. But this massive boulder... it never disappeared. It was just that eventually, over time, it became smaller. Less visible. Instead of shards of sunlight peering at me through darkness, I could actually see entire portions of the sky. I could see the beautiful, bountiful blue sky, speckled with clouds, decorated with the sun, or splattered with stars and the glorious moon.

The rock was disappearing, 
and I was coming back.


I am back. I am who I was becoming as a youngster. Wide eyed, grinning, and full of joy. The world is my oyster, and I'm ready for it.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Saturday Song Day


This song starting playing from my phone yesterday. My phone has a magical mix of diverse music that my husband created just for me. I couldn't help but start singing and swaying/dancing along. I end up doing that quite a bit.

So, say hello to the 80's again.

Below is an interesting, somewhat strange, and intriguing music video for "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper. The song I have is actually a cover by Phil Collins.



I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors a
re beautiful, 
Like a rainbow.

You said it, Cyndi! Our true colors ARE beautiful!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Music. Music is My Life

Music 
a poem by Louise A. Peppe

Music is my heart -
beating on a cold, dreary, January day.

Music is my heart, 
like a drum, almost skipping beats, 
becoming a series of
"beeeep. bop. beeep. bop. beeep. bop"s.
Music;
It will fly away, like a hummingbird,
happily making its way home 
under the hot July sun.



Music is my heart, 
Pounding.
Pitter-pattering.
Pitter-pattering.
Slowing down.
Becoming an even, everlasting beat.
That will always speed up, and slow down, and speed up again.
Music, like my heart -
It will 
Never
Stop
Beating. 

My life would be nothing like it is now without the addition music. I grew up with music. It has molded me, shaped me, roughened my edges, smoothed bumpy roads, slapped me, congratulated me, hugged me, knocked me down, and picked me back up.

Music is intertwined with my heart, my soul, and my spirit.
It is my life. Singing, dancing, and skip-hopping along. Every Single Day.

So... Today I'll share some of this music.
Music that has touched me, shot directly into my core.
In the words of Brian Adams, these two songs... they come:

Straight from the heart.

Below is a live performance of Racing Like a Pro by The National.
Favorite lyrics from this song are the chorus, starting with:
Your mind is racing like a pro, now
Oh my God, it doesn't mean a lot to you
and this simple, yet revealing, verse:
Sometimes you get up and bake a cake or something
Sometimes you stay in bed



But to keep things upbeat and end on a positive note, I'll leave you with another favorite song.
Below is the official music video for Stay Positive by The Hold Steady.



To sum it up:

Whoa ho ah, whoa ho, ah, whoa ho ah, We've gotta stay positive.


Monday, April 21, 2014

Recharging.....

So, I woke up this morning and my super-fantastic smart phone was dead. Very, very dead.
Not 13%, not 7%, not 3%. 0 percent.

I can't help but think of my phone's dead battery as a unique metaphor for the deep-rooted tiredness that is currently traveling through my body, through my "electric" circuitry.

It amazes me, nearly every day, how the human body can persist under severe mental and physical stress, how almost every human being has the ability to wake up, to rise from nothing, and become something. Something BIG. Something that can change the world.

Somehow, the universe, God, or whatever one chooses to believe in, it whispers quietly, yet urgently: RUN
CHARGE. Get up out of the gutter. Return to 100%. NOW.


DON'T WAIT ANOTHER SECOND

Because waiting.... waiting can equal death. D-E-A-T-H.
Death of the body, death of the mind. Or, heaven/universe forbidding, both.

Take, for example, the runners, helpless victims, and numerous heros of the 2013 Boston Marathon. These determined human beings not only persisted, but became ever stronger after the tragic bombing on April 15th.

Or think of those countless times when you haven't allowed yourself adequate time to recharge and make up a long-standing sleep debt. Sleep debts are dangerous.

I know, with a heavy heart, that my sleep debt is enormous.

But, as my husband Brad likes to say, "It's like eating an elephant." You just gotta take it bite by bite, and eventually, whatever your elephant may be, it will one day disappear. You won't even realize it. Suddenly, it will just be gone. Vanished. One day, with the help of a friend, with the help of whatever God or flower or tree or sky that you pray to, your elephant will vanish. It will vanish, and it will be gone. Not just for now, not just for a few days, or a week, or a year. Your elephant will dissolve, and it will break up into a million little pieces that are brushed away, brushed aside, swept up, and swept away.

For good. And YOU. Yes, YOU were the one that made it happen. Not your friend. Not your God.

YOU.
----------------

So, each night I go to sleep feeling as though I could sleep for a week. I "plug myself in". I recharge. But, alas, it won't be enough. I must wake up and do my job. I must wake up and live my life. And I love it. I LOVE MY STRUGGLE because I OWN MY STRUGGLE. ME, and no one else.
"Every day I'm shuffling"

"Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO

Kudos to the ladies in the "Shake That" video (link above) for shakin' it! Nice to see some women gettin' down with it for a change! Remember, ladies, if a man does something (breakdancing, for example), SO CAN YOU! And, you can absolutely ROCK at that thing.

Talk to ya later. I'm off to do my job. To bring in some smackaroos. To make the big bucks.
I'll be out there. Shuffling. You better believe I'll be shaking.
Oh yeah, I'll shake that.

ciao, adios. (for now).

Friday, April 18, 2014

Return to Normalcy

I feel it coming.

I feel the change.

I'm returning to my normal. Myself, my being.

My "normal" is a good place to be. And I'd like to stay there - forever.


What is normal, anyway?

Normal, for me, means being balanced. Not manic, not depressed. A bit hypomanic, possibly... but in a safe place - somewhere between the darkness and the blinding white light.

That's where normal lies.

Can you reach it? I know I can. I can stay balanced. I can win this fight. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

And, here I am.

me!


This was taking during our honeymoon. Fun times!

Life's Not Fair!!!!

My favorite expression when I was younger ... all thanks to my wonderful father.

Still a favorite expression of mine.

Sooooo... they've tinkered with my meds. So, something is different. So, I'm not sleeping again! Yippee, isn't that fantastic?

Oh yeah, fantastic like Mr. Fantastic Fox. Just fantastic I say. GRRR. I know it's all for the best. But in the meantime, I say F it. Just F it. Ya know?

I depend on my psychiatrist more than I should. I trust that he'll make everything perfect. But perfect doesn't exist, so I shouldn't expect perfect. NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.

So, LIFE'S NOT FAIR, and there is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.

The End.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Vulnerability

I'm feeling vulnerable right now.

Super-duper vulnerable.

I've put myself out there and I wait. I wait for someone new to recognize me. Tell me that's it's OK what I'm doing. That I deserve to tell my truth.

Tell your truth. Tell it to me. Tell it to someone. Someone wants to hear it.

Be vulnerable. Be you. Just do it. Right now. Comment. Please. For me. For you. For everyone.

It's the right thing.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

So, who am I? For real.

This Is My Brave

Inspiring me to reveal who I am.


Louise Ann Peppe.

that is all.

I'll leave you with some poetry:

Kaleidoscope Eyes
Sleeping? No.
Sleep could be beautiful.
More beautiful than....
Than cures for cancer
Cures for killings
Cures for what ails
You.
Me.
Us.
Them.
We all need, deserve,
A good night's sleep.

Everything on this site is copyright Louise Peppe. So cite me if you use me. Thanks!

A Total Eclipse (of the Heart)

Recently I realized how DEEPLY in love I am with my husband.  One day it just dawned on me. The man I live with cares about me to the end of the earth... the end of the multiverse. And I reciprocate those feelings. We belong together. I know this now more than ever.

Last night, we woke in the middle of the night (for us) to watch the eclipse. I'm still partially a zombie from the one day that I got 0 sleep recently... so I got up, glanced at the moon a couple of times, and went back to bed. My husband stayed up and got pictures for us. I hope to post them later today.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading :)

Little Voice by Sara Bareilles
this song is slow and kinda long, but beautiful nonetheless.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

I'm baaack!!! An update.


Alternate title: I Went Crazy When I Decided I Wanted to Have a Baby


In December, upon consulting with my psychiatrist regarding wanting to get pregnant, we decided that I should go off my medication and see if I could live my life without it... I guess we were testing the waters. The reason I wanted to go off the medication is because the medication I was on is known to cause harm to a human fetus during the first trimester. Due to a number of factors including insufficient sleep, spring arriving, and stress from my job, I became hypomanic.

Cue the upbeat music with a lovely catchy tempo! Aha, yeah! Cue the maniacal little drummer boy. Yippee!

But wait, crap... what comes next?  That's right, mania! Well, maybe.

(Oh shit... been there, done that... didn't and still don't want to do it again)

Hypomania does not have to be a big deal - I can function efficiently while hypomanic. As does (I'm well aware) my father.  Apparently "normal" people running on little sleep can become hypomanic and can function efficiently.  I was told by my psychiatrist that this (the "useful" hypomania) happens to doctors; there can be times when doctors hardly sleep due to their work schedules (here I think of the ER and "on-call" docs).  How do you think these "normal" people deal with hypomania?  And are they really "normal"?  I bet "useful" hypomania also happens to new Moms and Dads around the world - but who am I to guess at that? (Side note: obviously, I am not a doctor or a Mom.) But I digress.

But, no no, I'm not "normal", am I? Of course not! I'm an individual with the magic curse: Bipolar Disorder! I've got a mental illness, so they say ;)

Please note that I place the word normal in quotes for a reason.  Is there really such a thing as normal???? (I think not.)

Eventually my hypomania lead to a "manic break"... or at least I think it probably was, or was thisclose to being one.  For those of you that do not know, mania is more severe than hypomania, and it can be dangerous.  A person that is manic cannot properly take care of themselves without assistance (readers - if there are any of you out there - please correct me if you think I'm wrong in that statement). My period of mania was very short because of my husband. He knew that something was wrong and he took action.  My husband is my rock - always there when I need to lean on him. My parents helped out, too... It seemed like my entire family was, in a way, in on the action (fun times for them, yes? NO, more like SCARY times for them).


So, to make a long story short, I'm now on medication again. It's a different medication than the ones I've been on in the past, but it seems to be working... for the most part. (except for the fact that I didn't sleep a wink last night - cue the OH SHIT). And, thankfully, the doctors that I have spoken with all agree that the medication I am currently taking is one of the safest medications to be on during early pregnancy. And no, I'm not pregnant; I'm just taking necessary precautions.

Being self-aware is fun, yes???????
And P.S. Sorry I was hiding under a rock for approximately FOREVER (exaggeration, kind of). OOPS. The rock/very large pebble just wouldn't budge, if ya know what I mean ;)

I wish I could be as courageous and BRAVE as the mom from Bipolar Mom Life
By that, I mean, I wish I could put my face on this blog.... maybe one day?!