Self-acceptance, Always (and a Mary Lambert Song)

This could be a Saturday Song Day post (on a Monday), but I feel it is so much more.

Last year, I heard one of Mary Lambert's songs on the radio, and I really liked it. I was reminded of that song while reading Being Known as Bipolar Mom, a post from 2014 over at bipolarmom.com. Then I got to thinking... Mary Lambert mentions that she's "got bipolar disorder" in the song, but was that the truth? I did some investigating (thanks Wikipedia), and, yep, it is true. I discovered her website, and that brought me to watch the video below. Powerful stuff.

Body Love (Part 1 & 2) by Mary Lambert

This video touched me in more ways than one, and the lyrics are powerful. The title of the song may be "Body Love", but the song addresses so much more than self-image relating to one's body. It addresses self-acceptance of one's body, and so much more....

.... I only know how to exist when I am wanted

We're used up, and we're sad, and drunk and

Perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up

And tell us that we did good

We did good.

One of the things I always try to remember is the idea that I am good enough. This is something that I've struggled with in the past, but nowadays it usually comes naturally to me. It is some kind of self-affirmation.
I am good enough, and my happiness is important.

But, oftentimes, life decides to challenge my self-acceptance, and, I find myself once again pondering --
Am I good enough? 

When my son was born, I had a mental health crisis. I still don't really know what to call it. It was mania combined with some sort of postpartum mood disorder. The label doesn't really matter.  What does matter is that, when the skies had cleared, and I was finally more like "myself" again, I found myself feeling ashamed, embarrassed, upset, angry, and full of regret. I found myself again questioning, wondering --
What do people think of me? and Am I good enough the way I am, no matter what?

The thing is, I have come to (for the most part) accept the everyday, "normal" Louise. The Louise that has a handle on her mental illness. The Louise that has some mild mood swings, but is basically stable and mentally healthy.

But, the "sick" Louise? What of her? What happens when I get knocked down by something? What happens when there is some sort of trigger and I turn from the everyday me into the not-really-me me? I always rebound from these episodes. Always. And I feel that I always will. But the problem lies not in the episode itself but the aftermath. Because once I've recovered, I shouldn't have that seed of negativity planted inside me. I should, instead, have a seed of positivity. I should be full of hope.

In Mary Lambert's words:

You are a goddamned tree stump with leaves sprouting out.

Reborn.

Saturday Song Day 5/17/15

This post is a little late, but you know what they say - better late than never.
I'm often late with things. Such is my life.

Go Back by Dan Peppe
Performed below by Dan and Luca Peppe

Video below is not the best quality video, but I'm pretty sure it's the only one there is.

Some of my favorite lyrics are:

Go to a place where you still know who you are

A place to recover from your wounds and scars

Is there a difference between today and yesterday

Does time move along or just fade away?

Happy Me vs Sad Me

Happy me and sad me are battling again...

The dark fingers are creeping in on the canvas of white.

But, today?
Today - I fight.

I don't want to be that sad me.
I don't want to gradually dig myself into a hole and fade away into the darkness.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life yo-yoing between hiding underneath the covers and coming up for air. I don't want to sleep my life away.

I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

If I want to be happy, I'll be happy.

I'll fight the dark. I'll fight the sad. I'll fight those thoughts that dare to consume my being with a sullenness that I can't shake, with an emptiness that I don't even realize is there.

I'll seek the sun.
I'll seek the smiles.
I'll seek the joy.

I need it. I crave it. It is my fuel. It is my fire.
It is me.

Saturday Song Day 4/25/15

When We Were Young by Brett Dennen

Here's to feeling young forever!

"I'm happy and I'm settled..."

Photosynthesis by Frank Turner

Right now I'm living my days with music as a soundtrack to all the stuff I've got to do.
Today I've been playing a lot of The Avett Brothers Pandora Station. When this song came on, I was really digging it. I looked up the lyrics, and found this gem:

"And I'm happy and I'm settled

In the person I've become"

Saturday Song Day 4/18/05

The first one goes out to my husband: First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes

And another: Just Breathe by Pearl Jam (youtube video live at Austin City Limits)

Just Breathe 

by Pearl Jam

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands

the ones I love,..

Some folks just have one,

yeah, others, they got none, huh-uh

Stay with me,..

Let's just breathe.

Practiced all my sins,

never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..

Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..

Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world

to make me bleed.

Stay with me,..

You're all I see.

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..

No one knows this more than me.

As I come clean.

I wonder everyday

as I look upon your face, aw-huh,..

Everything you gave

And nothing you would save, aw huh,..

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see,..

No one knows this more than me.

And I come clean, ah-ah...

Nothing you would take,..

Everything you gave.

Hold me till I die,..

Meet you on the other side.

Songwriters: Bentley, Stephanie Kay / Lamar, Mary Holladay / Lawrence, Derek.

Published by Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Saturday Song Day 4/11/15

Today's Saturday Song Day choice:
Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

Link to youtube audio with lyrics (unofficial video): Comes and Goes (In Waves)

Comes and Goes (In Waves)

by Greg Laswell

This one's for the lonely, the ones that seek and find

Only to be let down time after time

This one's for the torn down, the experts at the fall

Come on friends get up now you're not alone at all

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

And this part was for her

And this part was for her

This part was for her

Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves

This one's for the faithless, the ones that are surprised

They're only where they are now regardless of their fight

This one's for believing if only for its sake

Come on friends get up now love is to be made

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

And this part was for her

And this part was for her

This part was for her

Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

It comes in goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

Why I, why I try

This is for the ones who stand

For the ones who try again

For the ones who need a hand

For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

It comes and goes in waves, I

Am only led to wonder why

Why I, why, why I fly

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Accept It and Move On

Accept it and move on is a good motto to live by under certain circumstances...


Why?

I lost a week of my life, but more importantly, I lost a week of my baby's life.

I will never get that week back.

I was there, at home with my baby, and then, I was not.

Life continued in one way or another...

And life continues still.

This I know for sure.

I've accepted it. I've moved on.

And, probably partly because of that, I allowed myself to be happy.

So, I became happy.


Read between the lines as much as you want...


But, what matters is this:

I'm happy and I accept who I am.

I hope you will, too.

Saturday Song Day 03/28/15

Today's Saturday Song Day choice:
Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise by The Avett Brothers.
Love them, their music, their lyrics....

Link to youtube audio & video: Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise
This song and the lyrics really speak to me and how I've been feeling lately.

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise 
by The Avett Brothers

In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

And it comes in black and it comes in white

And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected

And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light

And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right

And it flies by day and it flies by night

And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it

Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it

And there was a kid with a head full of doubt

So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light

And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

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Lyrics from Google Play: link to google play

Today will be better, I swear!

A song to start off the day: Today Will Be Better, I Swear! by Stars
(click on song title for link to audio on youtube)

Today will be better, I Swear. Easier said than done, right?

Right now my life is one string of cliches all jumbled together and jutting up against one another. I know that things WILL be better, eventually... but currently, while in the midst of trying to improve things and get back to "normalcy", I have discovered one simple fact:

Life is hard.
I already knew that.. but, recently I've discovered just how hard life can be.

When things are bad, I try my best to focus on the positive. I try my best to focus on the day ahead of me instead of the day behind me. I try, and I try, and I try. But sometimes I feel like trying isn't good enough. Sometimes I try and try and try... and I never seem to succeed. I just get bogged down in the nitty gritty, in the details that don't matter... I simply get bogged down by something. It is frustrating, oftentimes saddening, and extraordinarily difficult.

It is emotionally draining to trudge through life when it is difficult. And that is why, I believe, all of us need some sort of outlet or coping mechanism to utilize when our feelings are just too much to bear. We all need some sort of escape. I escape from everyday life through anything relaxing and through a number of artistic or creative endeavors (food, music, exercise, being outside, painting, etc..). I enjoy these things even if I believe that I'm not particularly good at them :)

And, in order to be happy and not just trudge through life everyday, my personality dictates some other basic needs that I have. If these needs aren't met, I feel lost, frustrated, and confined... I basically feel like I am not myself. To me, these needs are a big deal. They are important, and they actually include some of the coping mechanisms I just mentioned.

My Needs (i.e. How to Keep Louise Happy, a list in progress)

• I need space, breathing room, and independence.
• I need to have the ability to absorb and digest information.
• I need to eat properly, sleep a reasonable amount of time, and exercise regularly.

Recently, I have found it difficult to satisfy all of my basic needs. I love my baby with all my heart, but he altered the course of my life (as I knew he would). Some of the detours and route changes that he created were good, but, at times, I found myself headed in the wrong direction. Starting with the delivery of our precious little man and ending with a brief psychiatric hospitalization, there were numerous complications and obstacles that we had to overcome.... and life got hard. Really hard.

So, here I am.

Life is different now, and it will never be the same. I just have to remember to put myself first. I need to remember my needs. I can compromise on some of them, but, I know now that if I compromise on too many of my basic needs for too long, I (and everyone around me) will just end up unhappy, frustrated, angry, sad, etc...

So, it doesn't matter what transpired yesterday. I'm just going to focus on the present and the future. Exploring the past is something better left to psychologists or therapists and the like. Eventually, I'll need to take all of the skeletons out of my closet and relive the past. But, for now, I'm going to try my best to be optimistic and not get caught up in the ugly nitty gritty of daily life. I'm just going to remember that today will be better.

I swear.

Saturday Song Day

I'm going to start posting here more frequently (or at least trying to). The one thing I want to start right away is regularly posting music that I love or music that I'm loving in the moment.

So, starting with today, look forward to Saturday Song Day posts. YAY! 

It'll be a lot of fun for me to do these posts, and I hope you will get something out of it, too. Maybe you will discover a new song or artist that will help you in one of many numerous possible ways.

To me,
music is life,
and life is music.... 

Holes

by Passenger 

(Click on song title for link to audio & video on youtube)

I know a man with nothing in his hands, nothing but a rolling stone
He told me about when his house burnt down, he lost everything he owned
He lay asleep for six whole weeks, they were gonna ask his mother to choose
When he woke up with nothing, he said I’ll tell you something
When you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose

"Now I’ve got a hole in my pocket, a hole in my shirt, a whole lot of trouble," he said
"But now the money is gone, life carries on, and I miss it like a hole in the head"

I know a woman with kids around her ankles and a baby on her lap
She said one day her husband went to get a paper and the mother fucker never came back
Mortgage to pay and four kids to raise, keeping the wolf from the door
She said the wolf’s just a puppy and the door’s double locked so why you gotta worry me for

Now he left a in hole in my heart a hole in a promise a hole on the side of my bed
Oh now that he's gone well life carries on and I miss him like a hole in the head

Well sometimes you can't change and you can't choose
And sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose

Now we've got holes in our hearts, yeah we've got holes in our lives
Where we've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on

Where we've got holes in our hearts, yeah we've got holes in our lives
Where we've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on

Said we've got holes in our hearts, yeah we've got holes in our lives
Where we've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on

Said we've got holes in our hearts, we've got holes in our lives
We've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on

Said we've got holes in our hearts, we've got holes in our lives
We've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on

Said we've got holes in our hearts, yeah we've got holes in our lives
Where we've got holes, we've got holes, but we carry on


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I started today with lots of mixed emotions, both good and bad.
Ended the day happy and ready to get a good night's sleep.
So, things are good :)

Lyrics from "Holes" by Passenger copied & slightly modified from azlyrics.com

Original blog post published on 3/14, edited on 3/21

Living

Exhausted but happy.
Love my baby.
Love my husband.
Always.

Listening to:
- of Monsters & Men: All the songs, basically
- love the music, actually!

:) HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)

Gonna go hang out in the kitchen again.

Oh, baby is here!

February 26th, 2015. It's my son's birthday.

What? I have a son? WHAT?!!

Yup, and he's perfect.

Linden is my baby and my baby is a beauty :)

And now for a funny: I am a worthy human being! Darn you Mom!

Oh, baby!

The last time I posted here was last year. Not only was it last year, but it was May of last year. Months ago.

I'd say that not much has changed, and that I didn't write because I had nothing to say. But, that's not true. I didn't write because I felt I had no reason to. Writing is therapy for me.. and I just didn't need it. I didn't feel the need to express myself. I've been stable, and I've been feeling good about life.

But I do have news. It's old news, at this point.. but news, nonetheless.

I'm pregnant! The baby is due around the middle of February. My husband and I are super happy and excited to welcome the new addition to our family.

So, things are great. And the funny thing is that I started this blog specifically because I was anxious about being pregnant and how it would affect my mood. I thought that I would need this outlet to talk about strong emotions and mood swings during pregnancy. But, I haven't needed to. I've been remarkably stable. I haven't had any of the stereotypical pregnancy moods swings. So, really, things have been great. And I probably won't be writing much in the near future.

For now, I'll just be enjoying the last weeks of pregnancy and getting ready for baby. Pretty soon, our lives are going to change, and they will never be the same again. And we couldn't be happier.